Uncertain times

Sometimes I get a little more insight into my general mental state, sometimes I will have unpleasant repetitive dreams and then after one dream I will think, this is not real, this didn’t happen and never has happened in reality. Dreams try to tell you something about your waking life, it is beyond reality but still lets you know there is a problem, the same dreams again and again. I have quite a few repetitive dreams and normally after a while, I figure them out, they are almost harassing me in a way, that is until I understand the basic premise.

There are times when it takes me a while to figure out problems, it can even take years, in a way it isn’t my fault when I can’t reason when needed. It is part of the condition yet I will finally figure it out even if some things take years. Those dreams will be telling me in a roundabout way that there is a problem, they never mirror reality though in a clear way, round and round we go. I think I may need to book myself into some kind of counselling or psychiatric therapy.

I had a psychiatric check-up in 2018 and the psychiatrist was surprised at how well I was and he found it hard to pick I even had schizophrenia, though I actually feel much better than I did in 2018 I still want to see if some kind of counselling will help. The issue I mainly find is I do spend a lot of time living in my own head, it isn’t a bad place to be as I am pretty chilled but I think there are some issues in my life with people that need to be sorted out. I am pretty good socially, more so at work but I need to work on myself. 

It might take a bit of time to get to this with all of the things happening this year. I am not doing too badly considering everything but I really need to work on myself as I said at some point in the next few months. My medication is working well, my routines are good, some relationships need a bit of work, I tend to avoid people if I can though I am happy to have a chat and see people. I am not really into crowds, I couldn’t see myself being well enough for a relationship, I am finding it difficult to keep my own head clear and stay positive in these uncertain times. 

I tend to thrive in difficult times, yet I can’t always deny people. I suppose I need to be well enough so that I can help others, even though sometimes I feel I can’t do enough for myself and people seem absent. That is my fault as I do push people away and try to do everything I can myself even though most of the time I need help. I will definitely make it a priority so by the end of the year at least I can get the help I really need.

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