Wow, I really have become a mess lately. I am absolutely knocked for six. I normally think I know it all but we are really in a hell of a time. It’s really bad. We all know it too. It is times like this I look at myself and feel really disappointed. I just drive people away because of my mental condition and attitude. People can’t wait to see the back of me. It has been like this for a long time. The truth is I am lost. My art sucks (normally I think that is a good thing). I keep making people hate me. So many people I know from the past won’t go near me with a barge pole. Although if they do want to see me I am usually too busy doing stupid things that have no point.
Although I feel like this and normally fight negativity back I still feel motivated and actually quite happy within myself. Sometimes I have dreams about my schizophrenia and I feel like crying in my dream. It is as though I feel I am trapped in a headspace I can’t escape. When I wake up I see reality as an opportunity to stay motivated even though I am going to be forever misunderstood. All of this just seems like mindless garbage compared to the problems the world currently faces. Now I have to deal with my own shortcomings and a world gripped by a pandemic.
Mostly I worry about my father who I can’t visit as I don’t want to expose him to any virus. I worry about my Mother as well. My eldest daughter is a nurse so I hope she is ok. My youngest daughter is getting used to doing school online and she has to deal with me. One of my cats died. I was told of an impending calamity by my martial arts teacher through Chinese divination a year ago and I am still shocked. We were told the stock market was going to melt down so I put my super in cash. A lot of work mates lost money on their super. There is a lot of other stuff I won’t bore anyone with and the main aim of the game is to get everyone through the next few months healthy and as sane as possible.
I have been reading a book on Frank Stella and also coming across other contemporary painters that are mentioned that I never knew existed. That is the main reason I feel like a complete joke. In saying that it is interesting to get some perspective and assess where I am going wrong. I can’t just magically afford a full time studio practice creating large scale work out of nowhere which is why graffiti has been a lucky break. I am always bagging out graffiti but it is the only opportunity that I really have had to make quality art. Thankfully the good graffiti work is documented at least for a book or prints. In saying all of this varied polemic I feel that there is great hope. We just need to make it through the next few months. I have to go to work every day. I wear my mask and wash my hands until my skin becomes dry.
The truth is I am one of the lucky ones. All I can do is burn incense and pray for things to change for the better. Things always change.