Well the latest theme I am on is my own personal mental health. The truth is I am not suffering but keenly aware of my minds odd machinations. At least I read the acceptable version of events or discourse then let my mind have a description. It isn’t just about misreadings though that is pretty common but about just entertaining an odd view.
I will usually have a run in with my ex because I can exude negativity when not even speaking but when I explain that I normally blame myself for not being normal it becomes clear that that is the real problem. A sense of guilt of being different. It isn’t really guilt but maybe frustration. In another sense I try to embrace it and I never push my ideas other than in writing because I see it as pointless.
I do get bothered when I seem to exude some kind of attitude when I am minding my own business but my ex is tuned into me. She has known me for a long time. We normally just ignore each other. I was having a coffee and she kept looking up at me and looking away. I was trying to ignore it and have my coffee. Of course in my own mind I am ruminating away. Initially I was playing a video game which I have never done ever until the last couple of months. She questioned my interest in the game and said that I was enjoying myself.
I could never get into games other than chess or weichi with the latter being my favourite but now I can actually play video games. I personally feel it is a good sign. The only game I enjoy though is minecraft. I enjoy the strategy and building. Initially I would simply farm and breed cattle not caring much for building or crafting. Now I will set up farms and cattle then start quite extensive projects where I build paths through mountains and integrate land forms into architecture.
My ex will usually come over to see our daughter who lives with me full time and this morning she went into grand detail about her ventures. I was playing my game and having a coffee. I am glad she is so ambitious and she is doing really well but I didn’t like the way she questioned me playing the game. So then I stopped as I had done what I wanted and had my coffee. That was when she kept looking up at me. I asked why she was stressing when she mentioned the shopping and kept looking at me.
She told me I was exuding negativity as I mentioned before. Then I got annoyed. Prior to this she kept telling me to leave the house this is while I am playing my game and having a coffee. I just said “why can’t we just communicate?” and “I am just having a coffee”. I am not saying I am the victim but I do have issues.
My main issue is that over the many years I had with my partner she could never entertain anyones ideas but her own. We rarely had two way conversations. She is naturally very competitive. Me being a little jaded about this one way street would lead me to say “that is great” etc. But it never gets any better. My positive tone just seems not good enough with her emphasising my remark with “its better than great”. I don’t know what to do to be honest so for years I just did my own thing not even mentioning what I had been up to as it met with annoyance and subject changing. I love her family but they are also super competitive. It is their nature. If I mention something I will get a dismissive stare especially if it is has annoying arty over tones.
My solution has just been to give up on saying anything. I just listen and exude negativity. Sounds quite fair. To me it is just an ongoing thing and I normally don’t care but this morning I wasn’t happy with the same old same old. My ex is great and she is highly functional. She is very attuned to positive people and that is great. She is on conquest after conquest trying to get ahead while I am stewing over something odd. The problem is I actually feel happy being a bit strange and off kilter. I feel like because of my natural anti-social emanations that I keep people away. I suppose I should have gone to psych-social therapy. Don’t get me wrong I love people but feel that a lot of people are full of shit.
That is very negative and thats why I am exuding these “vibes” but I actually love people and normally try and encourage those who are normally hard done by saying be creative and love yourself. I guess I just need to love myself a bit more. Its rare me and my ex lock horns and we do love each other but I gotta be crazy and she has to conquer. Busy times.