Well I definitely need a mental health break. I am doing well but I tend to have issues. I am a bit paranoid and I feel that I am on the wrong path. I am difficult, obstinate but in a way I am actually ok. My daughter tells me that I am pushing people away with my smart arse attitudes. I have this ability to shut people down but it was never meant to be a serious take on events. I suppose I just felt that I could protect myself from the big bad world but it isn’t as bad as I make it out to be.
I am the sort of person who has an answer for everything even if it is absolute bullshit. I just hide myself away with words. I know I am doing it but it isn’t really helping me in the way I need. With my art I have gone so far into obscurity that I have most likely lost the plot. It isn’t all bad really because that was initially where I wanted to go but the issue now is I am in a very self directed hole.
I just wanted to do my own thing but it is a very lonely place. Occasionally, well more specifically last year that level of obscurity paid off in that I made a very good body of work. The thing is I don’t want to keep churning the same stuff out though it would be a better idea than pushing a dead horse with visual stunts. I am bored and I am starting to piss people off with my attitude. Over the last twenty years I was always about throwing in the towel on my aerosol work and here I am. The only reason I am painting is that I have had very good opportunities that I have never had before in terms of public sites where my work stays up for months at a time. The work is kind of unsanctioned and a little ugly and off the charts but we don’t push it on a lot of places as that would be a bad idea. This sort of stuff has a place but it is relatively small. The same can be said for my other artwork. It is a small kind of approach that does’t move mountains but there is integrity.
With my attitude I definitely could do with softening my approach and trying to be a little more understanding. On the weekend I actually felt a little bit unwell from the level of stress that has come over me. So I need to be kind to myself and others.