Since 2010 I have been quite disabled from my condition, I have recovered a lot since then but I am quite fatigued easily. I do less graffiti partially because it is harder for me to feel motivated and well enough to do it. Rather than fret I have dedicated myself to more conceptual pursuits such as reading, blogging and making gallery art. I work small now and I have adjusted to it. I will still do some graffiti but it is getting a window of opportunity to do it in where I am motivated for physical activity. With my eldest daughter I speak to her on Skype but I haven’t got it together to see her as I find it difficult to get the motivation and organize a trip. Sometimes we talk and I seem disinterested but I am quite sedated and even find speaking hard. Occasionally at TAFE I can’t speak after 8 pm and can be quite disoriented so the earlier we do work the better and I ask questions early on to show that I am interacting. That really sums it up, there is a level of inconsistency of cognition and motivation that I content with on a daily basis. I can write and read quite happily though. Even after the movie today I was exhausted and was in bed by 6 reading. The last few years I have read a lot of books while in this state of fatigue. I am not complaining I get to work everyday and cruise, not because I am lazy but because that is literally my limit. By the weekend I am exhausted. So I try not to think about limits, I can achieve a lot through writing and my new art is mainly writing and sound. I can exert myself but it is very hard. It works on a physical level too. In 2010 I couldn’t run, now I can run for a little bit, I can walk fast. Initially when I got schizophrenia I couldn’t walk around the block, it was so hard. My initial medication helped and I could run. The newer medication gave me more mental faculties but brought back the physical limitations. The additional medication gave me back most of my physical abilities and less physical pain but it is very sedating. I currently have no psychiatrist as he retired, and I always had a love hate relationship with him because I felt he took his time and was too happy with initial progress rather than making me visit him more to get to see if it was really progress. I actually liked his style a low bullshit approach but I do question some of his decisions. At the same time I have a positive attitude and still feel I can achieve a lot but I see other areas where I may never be able to achieve as much. I can still do everything I did before but not as much, it is a slower approach which is why I write and think. I not going to power out pieces but think them through and create pieces that can be well formed and thought through. I still look fine and I am fine but there have been changes beyond my control and I will work within my limitations to create great things. I can see that when I was growing up I created a lot of work in a short time and I pushed through a lot of pieces in 2009 then my medication changed and I ran into issues. Physically I am no longer as capable, the schizophrenia got me but mentally I am quite sharp before 7 pm though mind you. I have a lot of ideas for galleries and I have a lot to say. Even though I post a lot on this blog I keep a lot of my core ideas off the site because they need to be talked about once they are shown. I won’t let schizophrenia hold me down but it has changed me.
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