Deep and shallow

I was having a conversation today about some various issues and I noticed that the person I was conversing with mentioned they liked the fact that they liked a certain friend because they would have a normal conversation and not get too deep. The conversation was fairly pedestrian and it was about another person who we were trying to figure out.

Then I remembered in an obtuse way how I would always try and get deep with people many years ago. I suppose my blog is the way I get deep these days. I tend to try and see what makes people tick, more so in the past than now as I don’t really have the time or inclination or opportunity. I remember hitting those walls with people who would start to feel insecure or nervous as I talked quite frankly.

I can also remember the horror I would feel at times when I had a big realisation of my own and wished I hadn’t gone into that head space. Although those moments of sheer existential terror and realisation were at times when I had reached rock bottom and I knew I needed to find a way out. Having at times relapses over different years and seeing relationships fall apart and what seemed like insurmountable problems pile up I felt like I had no chance at times.

I can see people start to feel nervous in those times in the past and I think back then it was hard for me to not get deep. Some people would then spout what they felt was the answer for them and I would listen and take it on board. I was actually very interested but I knew it was torture for them and I suppose I was quite tortured myself so we mirrored each other. I wasn’t too pushy mind you and I was happy to leave early and get home at a reasonable hour.

Being human and having your own personal space without some kind of perpetual meaning following you around is comforting. I suppose as I have a mental illness I needed things to have meaning and depth so I could feel comforted. Some people need no grand design or higher level of meaning in their lives and others do. Personally I am no longer bothered with meaning or no meaning in life.

Although I am definitely centred on physical movement as a way that I manage any anxieties that I have. I prefer physical paths to well-being rather than mental ones but I will make the time to read and learn a language for example to keep my mind active. Now that I write and have for years I find it harder to talk to people because there is too much complexity and angles to see things from. I have a friend who I get deep with but normally my mind wanders back to text I have read or written and I am lost for words.

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