The past

One thing that is difficult to move on from: the past. I have written about my Dad a lot over the years publicly. My Dad though is actually quite a kind person though he has had a problematic past. The reason though falls strongly outside of his control. It falls into the experience of the mentally ill person who feels compelled to break social norms and fall into psychosis. Psychosis is where normal rules break down. Aggression and anger come to the fore. Violence becomes the reality of the psychotic attack which shocks people and traumatises them. The psychotic actor barely remembers their transgression. They are beyond reason. They hear voices that command violent actions from a deep uncontrolled paranoia. Having experienced only a fraction of this type of issue myself I can say that seeing actions or words outside of one’s control issuing from one’s own person that seem to be not your own intention is frightening. Losing control is a traumatic experience in itself. Knowing that you could lose control is not liberating or particularly enjoyable. Yet it happens. It happens frequently. Then the person left with the fall out is the actor. They are to blame as that is the normal way things work. Mental illness though isn’t based on normal experience. It isn’t simply A leads to B. Though that is how it is always read. That is why I fully forgive my Dad for his past. He really had no hand in it. The disease was the protagonist. He was always an unwilling actor forced into this role. Now he has a past he can never escape as it was too traumatic for those around him. It is hard to forgive though because of logic. Isn’t it funny how logic itself condemns the mentally ill. Logic which is what the actor actually had no access to is always in the end their downfall. If only logic wasn’t as cruel as the workings of the illogical.

It is never that simple though. Logic and the illogical are at once like Yin and Yang which has its opposite inside of the opposing sides. They are under the same system and logic taken far enough is very illogical so too the illogical can find a logic all its own..

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