The happy rat in the cage

Every now and then, but pretty rarely I will have a dream where I realise I have schizophrenia. Usually I don’t have symptoms normally in day to day life but in the dream I will display symptoms. It is a pretty depressing dream. I normally cry in the dream. It is the realisation of a lifetime illness. It will just dawn on me and I realise the implications. It is almost traumatic. Yet when I awake I feel ok. I awake shaken but take stock. People will leave you in the dust but they can’t do anything anyway. It is the pharmaceutical companies you need to rely on. Their websites with people smiling and looking functional are a bit like the dreams. A glossing over of reality. Most people curse big pharma as it is called. I am lucky there is a pharmaceutical scheme in Australia to minimise the cost of the medications. I actually feel glad that I feel good most of the time. I don’t feel trapped. It is sobering. Some countries will just give you the full cost.

In a way I am trapped by these companies but I have no other answers. Luckily it works for me. I do everything I can to minimise the damage. I am a health nut. I don’t smoke or drink. I don’t touch drugs. I eat well. I exercise everyday. I am the rat in the cage. Yet I am a happy rat. Those dreams though. They tell you the reality.

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