For most of my life I hid myself away. I hid my anxiety, I hid my feelings and I hid my ideas. My mental state was always hidden behind an aloof countenance. I was always hiding. Always under the radar. A lot of this was due to my fear of people not accepting me. This issue affects so many people. It was just that for me things were going on in my head that I knew where not normal. I had constant mental issues that I couldn’t offload anywhere. I found it hard to get to sleep. Hard to not feel a wave of anxiety whenever my name was mentioned. I was filled with dread and foreboding every day.
Even though I had nothing to compare it to I knew inside that it wasn’t normal. I knew I wasn’t normal. There was a constant state of mental anguish. My heart was always heavy. I was weary and tired from a mental burden that was unrelenting. It never left me alone. It was always there. That is why I have been so honest. The fact is a lot of people are hiding as well for different reasons. I live my illness in my art and daily life. I am no longer bothered by my condition as I have medication and exercise. Even though I am free from suffering I still want people to know what I am thinking. To know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
To know that you can endure decades of duress and come out the other side. You may be battered but that is what our bodies and minds are for. They are to be tried and tested. Like a metal that is beaten into shape to endure for a lifetime. This is why I paint and write the way I do. You can only hide the truth for so long.