In the late 80s I would wander the streets at night tagging. It was dark and I was alone. I knew there was another world out there as I had seen it. I was essentially privileged to know that there were choices. Growing up with a psychotic father had been hard but I knew that there was always a new day. It was hard though to clarify where I was exactly in regards to the normal flow of life. School seemed imperious and at times humiliating. It was structured though so it was reliable. There was a deeper problem that I couldn’t quite understand. There were sequences of DNA that had misinformation, possibly the wrong code for a certain way of thinking. These sequences had been read and actioned. This had a flow on effect. It wouldn’t necessarily matter who I was in the world of nature or nurture, though there were still choices.
That was the least I could understand at that stage. You can to an extent choose within the bounds afforded to you. What if the boundary though still isn’t clear? What if it simply doesn’t work? That can be a problem. So in regards to medications if they work they can actually let you grow into a whole new set of boundaries. Residual problems aside you may even be better off than before. I was thirty when I was diagnosed so the medication gave me a lot of relief. Eventually I had my medications reviewed and went to a new medication that worked well in some areas but not in others. It took a while to resolve this maybe two years and then a year to recover. At the same time I had changed for the better but maybe lost in other areas.
The truth is you still have this deep seated issue by and large patched to some extent. As I recovered my personal life fell apart. There had been compounded issues. My recovery if I can truly call it that has been isolating. Though I live with my youngest teenage daughter and we have a good life. I am mostly in a good mood and when I do get a little psychotic I tend to just let it out with good humour. I am far from envious of other people. Luckily I am well informed as well. I understand the grind of daily life as well as anybody. My life though is set around a tight budget and I have little room for holidays or relaxation. Most of my output is creative. It costs money to paint walls and canvas or buy technology for projects.
Even with all of my creative output and application I haven’t actually achieved much in the way of recognition but I am simply a creative person anyway.
In a way I am still wandering the streets anonymously tagging the streets. It is a theme for creativity in that people try to change their own reality. They try to understand the world through applying ideas whether scrawled or otherwise. I am in a way a victim of generalisations. Victimised by the fastest forms of thought. I am isolated but have enough understanding to understand how people behave with thought in general. It is difficult to be open to everything. To every competing voice. To let thoughts come into your world. The truth is that thought is applied everywhere. From smashed telephone booths to a skyscraper. We live in a world driven by thoughts and ideas.