A few years ago when going through some personal issues I spent a period of time possibly a month retracing my steps through life. This experience would start as soon as I lay in bed. My mind would start off from where it last left off the night before. I believe this was either due to my impending illness which was potentially serious or a mid life crisis or a bit of both who knows but it coloured my outlook on friendships for a number of years. It was though the past had started to inform my current choices, suddenly I was too aware of any past issues to see the current potential for new experiences.
In a way it had hardened me, my mind was not willing to let the past go, to let new things happen. I was convinced that these other issues had tainted the very people I had trusted. Some of my friendships were always rock solid but I couldn’t just let there be winners and losers. It struck me as odd that the experience of all this retrospective thinking would lead me to start closing doors when really I needed people. I needed to leave doors open even if the person had in some way disappointed me or let me down, maybe it was the sheer violence of cutting through experience and seeing motivations laid bare. Really though a lot went on especially after high school we were all learning the hard way. I was far from innocent I had treated some people like dirt and they hated me for it probably still do.
We can’t go back and change the past and even though I had relived this in a broad process of seeing my life laid bare, friendships, etc, you need to live in the present. I think this is what happens when you are ready to die on some level, you see your actions and the actions of others. Glad that it is over and I lived to see another day now doors open and new possibilities are to be experienced.

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