I had a friend online asking a question and opening up about some struggles. Some people have such traumatic pasts and it can lead to flashbacks and deep trauma. He didn’t go into detail and I was trying to be helpful and understanding. I remembered when I left high school and had some counselling, the results were mixed but mostly it helped. I got some tools that helped me unravel some of the dialogues in my head.

Also I became aware of the dialogues, I had a way to see what was really going on in my own head. Some of the inner dialogue could be reasoned with and resolved. There was a lot of stuff in my head like self loathing, general aggression towards myself, and a lot of stuff that didn’t make sense when I unpacked it. These days the dialogues are everywhere, they are on every platform, as soon as you open your slave portal it just spews out like a shitstorm.

If you look at these dialogues it is like a fractured consciousness within the portals and when they come into reality there is this disconnect and abundance of nonsense and terror. The world of the past few decades has rivalled my old messy mind of my youth in ways that I can’t believe. Because I have spent years being focused on my own internal dialogue and making my general behaviour constructive and creatively focused it is hard for me to get caught in the general mania but it is always there.

It seems pointless to entertain anything other than what I can actually handle which is my reality and responsibilities. I have empathy and some understanding for what is going on around me but like most people I am locked into keeping the show on the road. I live a simple life, I don’t even have a bedroom. I have a bed that just fits into a sunroom and I am actually happy with that. I do have some overheads for other reasons and I keep on top of it. It is a lot of work and I need to keep in reality to get things paid on time and manage things.

I mean I don’t even have a bed base, I have some single mattresses on some storage containers. I couldn’t give a shit about all of the crap people think they need. I only got an IKEA couch because my youngest daughter was sick of sitting on an old uncomfortable suitcase with a couple of cushions on it. I mean if the world is going to hell what is new furniture going to do? Do you get a prize for having new stuff? What is it, a dick in a box? The western world is completely fucked and you have to try and come out of it with at least your sanity in tact.

I saw an old friend tackling the issue of suicide on his YouTube channel, that is a hard one as Australia has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. An old friend of mine took his own life last year and it is so full of finality and that’s it, they are gone. Everyone has some answer, seek God, seek the Tao, seek yourself but the way mental health crises play out nobody gets the time to turn the tables. When I was deep in a mental health crisis life was unbearable, every day was hard to get through.

The answer to that particular relapse wasn’t even that hard to fix, I just couldn’t reason and I had other ideas that distracted me from the real problems. It is a pretty sad place to find yourself in. A lot of stuff is so easy to fix but also a lot of stuff takes time. Maybe too much time when there isn’t enough time. Then services are harder to access, they add months onto a potential visit that could save your life. I suppose I turned back to the Tao because I was so desperate and didn’t want to become another victim of a system that sees you as a bunch of dollar signs.