There was a fair amount of work over the past month and on Friday I started to feel a little odd. I knew it was a mental health issue and I left work a little earlier. On Saturday I felt a little worse again. It isn’t as though I was feeling depressed or anxious but I was for want of a better word going inward. There is a certain level of disorientation and social  awkwardness. What were people doing? They started to seem more awkward than me. What was that person saying? I mean really saying, what were they getting at? I wasn’t quite sure, I think I had better leave now. Why was that person not wanting to talk to me, why did they avoid me? Someone else I knew better on the bus had a chat and we had a laugh.

Then I saw the other person again and they seemed to not want to see me so they turned awkwardly. Was I imagining things? Are these people worthwhile? I don’t really know them that well but did I have a certain look on my face? Then I was leaving an event which I quite enjoyed but I couldn’t find the door even though it was right in front of me. I couldn’t work it out, someone kindly showed me the door. I thanked them and we had a short chat about the event and I told them how much I enjoyed it. I knew I was unwell and had to get home and relax. No more stimulation, no music, no noise, I needed to accept I couldn’t fight it. There is a certain level of selfishness that arises when you go inward.

People are sensitive, I am sensitive, someone told me something that I didn’t really need to hear. Now I was in a bad mood. It wasn’t anybody’s fault but a week ago I thought about my personal safety. As someone who does aerosol art I have to be careful of many fragile egos, men with all sorts of feelings. Some feel they need to prove they are not inferior and want you to engage on their terms. Then I feel like I am disrespected from my own feelings of inferiority, it is like a mirror. Who will cave? Is it even real? Does anyone really care? Eventually I came back to my mental health problems. I need to look after myself. What have I got to prove? I could see it was just a misunderstanding. Also I have better things to do with my time.

When I go to get some lunch, I feel like people are looking at my loud shirt. Why did I have to draw attention to myself when I am in this headspace? People look at my shirt then at me, I look back coldly, clinically, uncaringly. I honestly don’t care but it shows. I am not smiling, I am expressionless, I am aware of it though. Lunch was great, there is a good deal at the Thai place in Randwick. They are friendly, I am friendly in return. I say thanks and leave. I decided to go home and switch off. Sunday I feel a little numb but I know that this inwardness isn’t as pronounced as yesterday. I don’t like being too selfish but at times like these you only have yourself. For some reason I am tired of other people.