Imposter syndrome

The opening of Blenheim House was a great event, I had my usual imposter syndrome and wandered around for the first hour on my own looking at the art and watching performances. Eventually, there was a formal welcome to country which broke the ice and formalities were addressed, then the artists, which included me (lol) were paraded in front of the crowd and that helped break the ice. I got talking to an artist named Angela and another lady (Meredith I think???) and Angela knew a friend of mine, she had given him a break into youth work. After half an hour I knew I had to get home and have my medication so I left and walked home.

It was nice having a chat with some people, it is funny at my age how honest people can be. It reminded me of when I was at the Art Gallery of New South Wales and I was in a queue to get a ticket and a lovely young lady addressed me in a friendly tone and I literally didn’t react because I thought she was talking to someone else! (How amusing) We were all talking about relationships at our age and how the first thing someone thinks is ‘what do you want from me?’ or to be a little less frank, ‘what are your expectations?’. Angela said she wasn’t in any mood to look after a man at her age, she had her freedom and she loved that.

To give a bit more context, Angela has had five children in her time so I can understand how she feels, I definitely have no desire to have a relationship myself, I think after having my second child I had an awakening. I realised the game nature had set up for me was complete and I had walked into that begrudgingly in some ways also blindly. I realised nature had programmed me for those tasks and now I had to find a new meaning to life other than desire, I always had issues with desire anyway. When I was young the desire for material goods was the first challenge I had to overcome and sex was really the same thing. 

Yet at least you could have children which is programmed but also part of the human condition rather than manufactured desire. Yet if you don’t overcome desire (it is really difficult) you will never get lasting peace. Lasting peace is a lonely place to be anyway but it is…..peaceful. The real reason people hang onto desire is you need some drama or stimulation or at least believe you do. I think what I have learned from QiGong, is basically a moving meditation. Is that the truth, the highest points you can reach (Tai Ji) are so boring that people when they do get there don’t casually climb back down but throw themselves back down into the pit of despair.

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