Sometimes I find reality brutal. I think it can be at times. When I think of what recently befell my father I can see how brutal life can be. I have said I do art to expand my personal bubble but also to avoid reality. I think we all try to find some peace from looming trouble. If you watch the news cycles there will be some oncoming crises or current crises. These will change from year to year and decade to decade or month to month. When I go to my feng shui study I can find the class difficult because a lot of issues are laid bare. Sometimes people think that you will go to these classes and have a good time. Mostly you are dealing with energy structures and the general brutality of humanity. I think sometimes my writing can seem brutal. My recent short stories seem a bit brutal. It isn’t that I want to scare anyone or make them uncomfortable, I just want to see the issue in its basic form. Sometimes I go to class and I feel like an idiot. Why do I live in this bubble? Why aren’t I more direct? So in writing I will be direct. In real life I am quite diplomatic and have a soft viewpoint. Yet when you dig deeper into some issues you really see how brutal things can be. In classes I normally just observe and don’t talk as much. Some ideas will find their way into my writing somewhere down the line. I will always have my own viewpoint but it seems like I have just brought down the hammer? Not all of my writing is difficult mind you. Sometimes it is just general. I suppose I cause myself a lot of anxiety from some of the things I choose to study but also I push myself to try and understand things I don’t understand.
When I studied feng shui almost two decades ago, I found that when I developed schizophrenia I became quite sensitive to a lot of the subjects in class. I felt like I didn’t belong because I wasn’t necessarily the same as everyone else. I totally agreed with most deductions but I felt like I was broken because of my situation. I have had a similar feeling recently but I am not willing to leave feng shui. It is very beneficial and even though I feel like an idiot most of the time I think I can appreciate a lot of the viewpoints and see the ideals of Taoist philosophy in play. The point of the classes is to uncover truths and understand what is going on around the world and locally. I feel broken currently but these feelings do change.
When I went to China I also felt quite broken at times. I was worried about my health. I had to deal with some difficult situations yet it was rewarding. If I hadn’t gone I wouldn’t have been able to meet those challenges and overcome them. I suppose I have had enough of the current situation that is a hot topic in class. With the lockdown, degradation of freedoms, coercion and many other issues. Things really are brutal currently. I have had to think of my immediate family and that goes against the dominant narratives at the moment. I am also quite paranoid with my condition so it all seems a bit much. Things don’t look like they will change for months. The opposing sides are saying everything is a death sentence. From experts to conspirators. In a way both sides are right. The situation is quite dangerous. How do you stay calm but also informed? The huge divides in society are going to cause a lot of issues according to my feng shui class. There seems to be big trouble brewing and I am trying to stay calm and manage my anxiety.