It is New Years eve and I awoke from one of my strange dreams. These dreams don’t happen too often. Their is a lot of guilt and paranoia. The dreams seem schizophrenic compared to normal dreams. They are so strange. It was partially a recurring dream. The dream itself seems convincing though at points I was aware I was dreaming. I felt as though I was hit abruptly to the head. It seemed so real and that was the point when I became aware I was dreaming. There was a map. The map had points I supposedly walked or travelled. There were main areas. For some reason Strathfield was on it even though I rarely go to Strathfield. Though I did go when I was doing martial arts in West Ryde. The map though was supposed to be from the late 80s though. Each site was a food stop. Each site had some kind of food on it usually.

Funnily enough I had Hungry Jacks fast food the day before and I did feel guilty about it which probably explains the guilty dream. Though the recurring part appeared and it was leading to me being a murderer. In previous dreams I had been absolved of guilt then suddenly the person I was talking to said that I had done it. I always wanted to get rid of this recurring dream. In its early years I had supposedly murdered a shop keeper with a gun. Though in the dream there was never any evidence of me shooting him. I would just have a gun I had hidden it in my mothers back yard. The gun, if fired let out a slow moving bullet. That was the other piece of evidence I had to bury as I said. This gun. In the new recurring dream version I had murdered someone because they had asked me about spray paint and it annoyed me but I can’t remember exactly what it was about.

This is interesting because recently I have been dreaming about spray cans and getting them and how I would get lost finding the store or they were just about to close etc. The dream is a new recurring dream about spray cans. Now both dreams have combined. Two annoying dreams. The issue is when I dream in this state they are absorbing even if I am aware I am dreaming. The shop keeper dream was understandable in that I had a personal dislike of money for moneys sake. Also my Dad was very tight with money and it was always an issue in that he wouldn’t spend money on anything. It essentially made me very unhappy. In the long run though the money issue has been resolved with my Dad so the shop keeper has disappeared from this dream. There was an old friend who had been in last nights dream. He disappeared when his father died and started a new life. He told me I was guilty.

In a way I felt bad for my old friend because I felt we all let him down when his father became ill and we didn’t support him enough. This is probably more guilt. It was interesting that it was him who told me. Guilt is such a big issue in Western culture. It seems to drive the whole wellness culture. It used to drive new age spiritual cliques too. As long as you do Yoga and eat well you feel guilt free but underlying the joy of purity is the spectre of guilt. Funnily enough I was in an ashram for a year when I was younger and it really is a place of mental turmoil. Trying to pry yourself away from the flesh which defines you. Trying to purify yourself of this guilt. In the dreams though I normally understand that guilt in this case is like a marker than any emotional or spiritual feeling. I don’t feel damned but maybe surprised. I was surprised when my friend broke the news. It was like how did I forget this? How did I forget that I was guilty?

So in some ways it didn’t register that I was guilty. I had just forgotten my guilt. I had not really let it go though. It was part of being human. It was always there even if I had reached a spiritual pinnacle or had fallen from it. It was an interesting way to end the year. I had given this quite a lot thought by looking for interpretations just to get me thinking about these issues. After all of my time avoiding spiritual problems they seem to be the only problems that really interest me. I should delve into these problems again. It will help me understand the human condition a little better.