Damaged goods

Through his life he just pushed to get things done creatively. He never wanted to be creatively stifled or working just to keep wealthy clients happy. The problem was he ended up having no audience. You always need an audience. Through his twenties he just pushed his graffiti and that in itself was a small audience. In his 30s he did the same and in some ways his audience had grown. But really he had some big hurdles. His mental health didn’t help and he tried to get better. By the time he was in his 40s he had two teenagers and a manageable mortgage but he started having regrets. He had never had regrets before because he was always pushing against something. Whether it was mental issues or relationship issues or just staying creative. He was always up against something. Now he was up against himself and his past. He hadn’t done anything outlandish and looking back that was most likely the issue. He hadn’t pushed hard enough. He hadn’t really let the good things happen. In those years really he had no idea what was going on it was all about getting through the day one step at a time.
What he realised after treatment was that life wasn’t meant to be that hard. Life wasn’t easy but it was never to supposed to be that hard. Where you seemed to be carrying the world on your shoulders day after day. Mental issues though fairly internal can be difficult to manage especially when you don’t realise what the problem really is. Finding out the real issue which was something he had guessed earlier in his life was liberating but for others who were close the penny had dropped. The problem is when you find out what it is and get the tools it can sometimes take a while to truly manage the issue and people will walk away. Managing the treatment initially was a job in itself and having a relationship was almost impossible. I would have loved to have had some quality time but there was no way the door would be opened for that. Once people make up their minds and have the answer they just don’t feel it is worth it. For me what I wanted wasn’t realistic though in a lot of ways it was. I just wanted to get on with my life rather than be labeled as damaged goods.

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