In 2004 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and initially developed debilitating catatonia after treatment though I recovered. It wasn’t until mid 2009 and a change of medication that the catatonia made a reprise, by 2007 I realised my reflexes were worse for wear and quit illegal graffiti. Catatonia creeps up on you and a lot of the symptoms of schizophrenia are described as a fog which slowly becomes denser and then you can’t see ahead. It wasn’t until 2011 and a change of medications that the catatonia started to lift and then I could feel the sun like a warmth gently touching me rather than a dull metallic thud that seemed oppressive and foreign. Those years where life seemed to make no sense and every day was a struggle suddenly seemed lighter and the world started to appear as beautiful, because it really is. Now the world makes perfect sense, it is the most wonderful gift given even to those who don’t know they deserve it. So many things can channel our energy and we can share our stories with the world. There is too much but that is what we had been asking for, we all want to be heard and the noise can be deafening. We have to ignore so much but that can’t be helped but one thing we can’t ignore forever is ourselves.
Been writing this blog in my head my whole life and it seems all I wanted was a channel, my own small channel where I can share my thoughts. It is just like what one of my uncles said, “in life you get what you want” maybe that is the real problem we all get what we want. The world is the analyst now, all those potty mouthed youtube subscribers, drivelling blog writers (a hum) and what is the prognosis? Well guess what? It is like a giant self help book, because the world is also the analysand. Really I am just talking to myself and so are you : )