It’s kind of interesting, the more I read the more of a moron I realise I am. Honestly I have always been reading and even studying Taoism was a great introduction to my compartmental moron like nature. An older lady painter who I love chatting with ‘Kate the painter’ was saying the other day that in her great depressive stupors that come on like bad weather, when she finishes a painting she feels victorious. 

Even if the painting doesn’t sell at her market stall she feels it has helped her immensely. Then some time later she might do a new painting over it. I really like her and maybe our general views differ but we can chat each other’s ears off. Sometimes life seems overwhelming and I heard about what people call a ‘super stimulus’. Like a certain crayfish will have a red dot to denote it is male. Other male crayfish get aggressive when they see the red dot which is basically a stimulus.

When scientists introduced a bigger red dot into the crayfish community, the male crayfish started acting nuts, they lost their shit. This leads onto comparisons with pornography as a super stimulus and why it sends some people into addiction or erratic behaviour. Of course in terms of stimulus and super stimulus you could say that modern life is mostly super stimulus which if you draw broadly explains quite a lot.

At the same time, even with gnawing anxiety or dread life if somewhat regular and pedestrian leads to places you want to go. Say you apply for a few jobs and there is one you really want, in your brain you want the answer back as fast as possible because our minds work pretty quickly. So your unease at the slow response, and possibly there will be no response leaves you anxious. Whether you are anxious or not the wheels are in motion somewhere.

This disconnect is hard to deal with but at the same time the anxiety is in the unknowability and somewhat erratic nature of life in general. So basically you could be in a state of anxiety all of the time but the anxiety is what motivates you to keep trying, keep looking or whatever. You just need to have the anxiety serve you. On the other hand if you get into a doomsday mind space and it all seems too hard it can potentially get harder.

It can take time to adjust to the job market, knowing that you aren’t too exploited, like you are getting what you need to do what you need to do. Some jobs really suck but can be a way to get to other things you need like courses or whatever to level up. In my situation I needed to keep a steady job so I could support my family and make my art. Even though I was somewhat exploited over the years I had regular work. I could afford art supplies and I could basically save.

In more demanding higher paying jobs that I know friends have they can’t really get to things they want to creatively but they get more holidays and perks. The more money you earn the more money the business expects from you. My uncle who worked for IBM told me that. They really put the pressure on for sales. One job that has pressure but it isn’t about sales is teaching. Teaching is rewarding, it can be hard but it’s more about people.

I have a friend who went into teaching as an artist and it has helped him understand his own practice better and he did the course part time while working. That is a 4 year exercise if part time but 4 years can go pretty fast. He was in his mid to late 40s and now he has a very good job. I was basically happy with my lot in life because I got to create a pretty big catalogue of work. I suppose if I think about ‘Kate the painter’ my art is a victory, even though I am gifted, not every gift is a blessing.