I sometimes remember younger years of my life. Not that I feel old, it is just that things have changed. Life as we all know keeps changing. Maybe I am lucky that I don’t remember everything from the past. Me and the mother of my second child eventually had a difficult run. A lot of things outside of our control made a deep impact on our relationship. I remember that I would tell her that she was adorable, then jokingly add that she was deadly if poked with a stick. She would claw her hands and hiss at me.

Then there were hard years, troubled times. We both had rare conditions. It took so long to recover. Nobody can wait that long. Nothing in that state can last. The best years of your life and also the hardest. We tried our best and the children, now adults are well adjusted. My ex had a son who is now seven with her new partner who sadly died last year. In a way with my condition years before I lost myself, my conscious mind was not in control. Luckily it was never totally destroyed.

It is so odd to talk of such things, yet that is what happens in a lot of cases. Your ‘self’ can be extinguished. Never to appear again. Or it is so fractured that it makes no sense. My ex had it all over again with her husband’s passing. They were in the divorce stage mind you but it is still very difficult. I feel lucky because all of this never hardened me. I am in wonder at this diverse planetary spectacle. Maybe my memories don’t want to play out too often. A form of protection and peace.