Even if you get on top of your problems, or you resolve something you need to, you will still be up for some hard work. In the past when I got away from some things that were stunting my growth it took a long time to feel better and see the results of the change. Even over the past ten years, I might have tackled some health problems but it was not easy to do.
The amount of effort and commitment, the loneliness at times, the different philosophy I had to apply. We all want to connect with people, we crave being part of something over our own well being. For me the answers I found were obscure, misunderstood mostly, they are not part of the world around me. Sometimes I feel lucky then I feel lonely in this obscure place.
Yet feeling lonely was just like all of the times I broke out of gang and crew mentalities, the times I chose my personal growth over the comfort of belonging. I chose a peaceful life over the struggles of materialism and a culture that was at its core violent and degrading. I don’t feel like I have transcended or am better because I am still doing the same things.
I am around the same places, I am available and embedded in the same environment. Yet mentally I know my own loneliness is a place of safety, not to say I am not around people but I have different ideas in my head. I am still sitting in the plaza, drinking a tea, I still see the same doctor for prescriptions. I am around, I am there, I see the people around.
Sometimes in a still moment, when it is quiet I attempt to think. I think of alternative lives, things that happened, things that could have happened. I wonder if I would feel better if someone was with me at that moment. Then I realise the chasm between peoples experience. What do people want? What do I want? If you want peace it happens within you.
In this world peace is a lonely place rarely visited, the people I left behind for example became worse and worse. I couldn’t turn things around, all I could do was leave them to their own devices. Sometimes I write some dark DADAesque brick poetry of sorts and it looks like I am making things up. That stuff is more real than it could ever be. Life is ridiculous and I am navigating as best I can.
derekjamescarter 
🫵🏽❤️🔥🕊️👊🏽✨✝️🌕💪🏽
Had this creepy guy that attached himself to my relationship with Kylie through a mutual friend. Everytime he was around me I got those alarm bells and fuck me! I have sworn so many times afterwards I would never ignore them again. Anyway to cut a long story short. He told me this repulsive story one night as we stood out the back of my petersham rental house and stared at the sky with a head full of wine and a nice buzz, yes and those alarm bells. It finished with this young women he had bedded when she was off her head coming to awareness in the middle of making the beast of two backs with him and started screaming. This prick felt so sorry for himself and as he finished this story with me just feeling dirty he looked up at the sky and said “You live alone you die alone”. The did this pathetic half circle to stare at the sky again.
Right at that moment bolt from the sky hit me. I said “bullshit”.
All of a sudden it was so clear to me. I continued ” Dude the fact we even speak a language is someone taught us. We both were raised by families, mum, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends. We’ve never really been alone and anyone that has put their part into our upraising or paired with us as a friend has left a part of themselves with us. We are an amalgamation of shared experiences for the most part of everyone who ever gave a shit, those we’ve love and hated”. “So” I said “thats just a load of self pitying bollocks”.
FIN
Just to be clear. This is about that guy and where he took it. I couldn’t agree more with your wonderful take on things. Love you bro … Red 😉