Yesterday I had a headache. Every now and then I get a headache and in the past I thought it was from being dehydrated. It only happens rarely and now I think it might be something to do with my mental illness. I only think that because on those rare occasions I will have strange dreams about my mental condition. I will play out the role of a mentally disturbed mindset in my dreams. The dreams will be irrational, not scary but the mindset of irrational ideas will play out and it is a state of mind that is quite closed. Closed in that I can only think in an irrational way. The headache normally switches into something more bearable and underlies rather than overtly commands attention. It becomes more subtle the more I have rested and when I wake up the irrational mindset disappears and the headache is gone.

It is strange to be in that mindset even though it is a dream, sometimes there is an idea illustrated and I can see scenarios between myself and friends for example and I know that I am disturbed. That knowledge helps me understand why I have problems in waking life. The subtle underlying irrationality of drives was shown to be a reason why I have had no luck because I will drive people away with things they don’t want to hear or know about. Even making video work using field recordings of mentally disturbed people talking about issues that are quite poignant and relevant in a way leads to isolation and a sense that I am pushing people away. The way I see it, I am just being an observer, recording a voice isn’t much different from an observational drawing.

Each work shows an abstraction and reduction of things in the world. Every observation is just that, a fragment of the many things that go on. This was what the dream was going on about and in the dream I could observe the narrative but in my head I was being quite rude and difficult. I mean very difficult in a way that I do not do at all. I was swearing obscenities and yelling them out loud in the dream. I was being very rude in fact. This was how I interpreted my actions in real life: obscene, rude, underhanded and crazy. I don’t really see myself that way but lately I have wondered how I can be perceived on social media platforms. Am I overbearing and rude? I have been limiting my time on social media to only when I get home after work. I guess this has been playing on my mind.

This was why I deleted all of my social media a few years ago because I didn’t know if it was healthy and had any real benefit. I suppose if I had a business to promote I would be happy to use social media for its reach but I am not business minded. I am a good sales person in my job for example because I am quite genuine and helpful. I like people and I want to know about their projects but art is something that I use to observe things around me. Writing can be a tool to try and understand what I am observing or wondering about. Yet art for me is both dark and light, it is I hope a way of uncovering something that is interesting for myself as well as others. Even though I feel like a failure I also feel quite inspired and interested in art in general as well as what I do myself.

I am not dominated by my own negativity, I guess I just accept it as part of the human condition, it is just one part of many parts. I would find the other extreme of being too positive as deluded as anything else. Even though I am full of doubts I just keep working because it is the work even if it isn’t door opening stuff that keeps things moving. I have an artwork that I want to start today for example which may or not work out the way I imagine it could. It is important that I just have a go and see the results of the effort. 

Also I have a bunch of other things on my plate that are far more important and beneficial than worrying about art or how I am perceived. 

As someone who makes visual art I have no need to be bloody minded to survive, I have other options but that is the difference. I am not really selling myself and the other night earlier I had a dream about how I had used up all of my grit and resolve to survive a very serious mental illness. I suppose last night was a way of saying that is my story. I survived through managing every aspect of my life through clean living and putting my mental health first. My mental well being is far more important than how I am perceived or what people think of what I do or don’t do. I could stress myself out and have no well being whatsoever just to be perceived as this or that. Yet everyone is operating in their space and makes their own choices towards priorities. Some people don’t care about their well being at all. That is the choice we make to live the life we want. I can see the message in both dreams and they have linked up. Perception and resolve. I am quite lucky to be doing anything really.