I am a bit annoyed at the moment, I still have a clear sense of peace within myself but I am finding the current impasse tedious. Normally when I start getting annoyed with big picture stuff I start a new book to sort the ideas out. Not that I am a confident author but I need to sort through the muddy waters and get things moving again. I have done too much aerosol work but I have been happy with it, my paintings are better. I think that has to do with the drawing. If a drawing works then it is a lot easier to paint from a good drawing. I enjoy drawing although a lot of my drawings don’t work, for me it is all about sorting and finding a drawing that works (it isn’t a formula for me unfortunately). It is like a moment where you either find something or you don’t. If you find something that comes through in an initial sketch for example a set of possibilities open up. In a secondary larger drawing you may define a visual cue that was buried in the gathered information and can be sorted. Some of these larger drawings can become a painting through a combination of drawing and daubing paint. These works are relatively fast to produce but are only going to work if the initial sketches and larger drawings have anything to offer.

I am annoyed but I don’t feel like anyone owes me anything, at least I am not totally self obsessed but it is only a matter of degrees where you have to blow your own trumpet on the hill. I was self obsessed in the past which was more like a sickness but I am not annoyed by the past because I was learning. I am annoyed with the world as it stands. I am in a priveliged position though, only because I have pushed through and found self responsibility and self control. Also even though I had a lot of challenges in the past and major mental problems I never had to be institutionalised and for the mind bending trauma of schizophrenia treatment after a long haul worked. I prefer being independant and value that. It is really lucky that I can totally manage my life but I know I can get a hand if I really get stuck. I kind of feel lucky to be annoyed as well because I know most of my books have been written from niggling stuff that just floats around and needs to be countered, described which can’t be done in a few paragraphs or a soundbite but in a long boring tome of old guy cloud shouting.

As far as cloud shouting goes I love esoteric ideas, also the way scammers will always call and leave a message. It is something that breaks the monotony when a scammer calls and a scammer is always full of hope that you will be their next victim. That is the joy of the society we live in, politicians, scammers, think-tanks, taxes, corny street art, corny high art, corny graffiti and my favourite, finger pointing. The great finger of blame. Although within the mundane there are great mysteries, the doors to alternate realities, the spiritual world, some gods are slanderous, some neutral, some unpredictable, you can map this kind of stuff if you have a spare six years to learn. I enjoy learning although after three years of learning about the fourth dimension I found the physical activity of QiGong more comforting than plotting the interactions of a complex reality, the seen and the unseen. I just wanted to feel good even if it meant disappearing into self imposed exile. When you are happy you realise how lonely happiness is. It does feel nice and really I am not alone enough. I am still hanging out with friends and doing stuff.